I Need Some Happy Pills!

So, I'm thinking about getting back on anti-depressants. I was on them for eight months about three years ago. I've been struggling for at least the past six months, but realistically more like fourteen months.

Even when I'm happy, there's still this anxious feeling in the back of my mind and the pit of my stomach. It's really hindering me from experiencing happiness fully.

The smallest things turn into debilitating struggles. Each thing on it's own is pretty small, but all the small things added up seem daunting. I hate being anxious and worried about the smallest things, especially things that are out of my control. I think that's what does it the most: not being in control. So then I turn to things I can control, and it gets dangerous. I don't want to get back to that place. I'm definitely not as bad as I was last time I had an "episode." (Haha, that makes me sound like I need to be strapped to a bed, but that's what they call it!) But, I don't want to wait until I get that bad again to make a decision.

I've tried all of the things that are supposed to help. I exercise, get lots of sleep, make myself busy so that I can ignore it (that's a load of shit, you can't ignore it). I've tried yoga and meditation. Church and prayer. All of this helps, but doesn't make it go away. And it keeps building and getting worse.

I'm afraid of how it will make me feel, but I'm more afraid of staying like this. I know the BF and I have our ups and downs, and this definitely makes it worse because he's the person I'm around the most. And it's just going to build and build until I have no choice but to take something. I'm also afraid it won't work. What if it's just the way I am? What if I don't know how to let go and be happy, and it's just my problem? I don't want to go back on meds every couple of years, I want to beat it and learn to deal without it and be happy and able to function. I think talking to a shrink along with the meds would help.

I was diagnosed with Chronic Depression. It runs in my family. I know I don't bring it upon myself, I just want to learn how to smother it before it gets like this. I wish there was a way to be cured without having to be on and off pills. I definitely don't want to rely on meds for an extended period of time. I don't think there's anything wrong with getting some help for a little while, but I don't want to depend on it.

I'm just really sick of felling lousy for no real reason. I'm sick of waking up feeling anxious. I'm sick of not looking forward to the day. I'm sick of not being able to truly appreciate my relationships. I'm sock of being sick. I hate this disease. If there was a way to get rid of the gene that causes it, I would sign up for surgery.

Can't Catch a Break

Apparently, 2008 is the year everyone decided to take a big crap on Coconut. At least the first six months of the year have seemed like it.

I was having an awful day Tuesday and that facebook wall post just topped it off. When I'm in a bad mood I don't want to hear about other people's happiness! I don't want to hear about how some guy I used to like is soooo happy to get married! (I'm happy for him, I don't like him any more, it was just bad timing. I want that happiness, dammit!)

So, Boss is getting promoted. I'm happy for her, but it screws me over. Well, it might. So, Tuesday made me realize I had been holding in a lot of feelings, and the realizations I came to when I found out Boss got promoted broke the levee.

My new boss will be a a first-time buyer. Basically, I am going to train this person on how to be a buyer in my area. The thing is, I've been in my position for a year now and it's time for me to move up and on. But, if I have to train a brand new buyer, I might get stuck here for another six months. I will not stay here for another six months! That would not be beneficial to my career. I know another girl that this happened to when she got a new boss, and I will not wait around like that. Also, since this new boss will not know my work ethic and accomplishments, so they won't really be able to endorse a promotion for me.

And, a girl who started when I did just got promoted to an area where she will be above my friend Jen, who also started with us. How much does that suck for her? And honestly, Jen is way more qualified to move up than that girl, and the fact that this girl will be above her blows. She's the type of girl who will boss Jen around and give her "tasks", even though she won't be her boss. I don't really know HR's logic behind that one, but it adds to my frustration.

I just feel like Boss wasn't looking out for me the way she said she was. Before my one year anniversary here, I couldn't promote myself. It was up to Boss and HR. And now that I've been here for a year, I can apply to the internal job postings, but there aren't any openings. I'm thinking about moving to a different part of the company if I don't get promoted by the end of summer.

When I got home from the rough day and Jax's party, I was spent. I called the BF to vent, and then got pissed off when he didn't answer his phone. He had fallen asleep on the couch, and dammit! I needed to vent! Anyway, he called me back and I proceeded to vent and get worked up and overwhelmed, and the levee broke. I didn't realize just how frustrated I was with work, and life in general, until I started talking about everything. It brought it all out and then I started the crying and hyper-ventilating.

I cannot catch a break! Seriously, I just need one good thing to happen to me. It seems like everything that can go wrong, will. My mom had cancer, my brother and sister-in-law moved across the country, my aunt died, all the ups and mostly downs with the bf, and now work shit. Seriously? Who's idea of a joke is this?!

Anyway, the BF listened and gave lots of advice (the last thing I wanted at that point) (if you're going to say anything while I'm venting, it better be "That sucks!" "That's stupid!" "That's bullshit!"). Eventually, I had cried so much I was exhausted and ready for bed. Then, the BF says, "Well, do you want me to come over, or do you want to be alone?" Ok, when in life have I EVER wanted to be alone? Seriously! So I say, "I'm pretty sure you know me pretty well, so do whatever you think." So, he came over and rubbed my back while I cried some more. I turned off the light to lay down and go to sleep and he turns over, away from me! Haven't we learned this lesson already? I physically turn him over and make him spoon me and hold me, and tell him how much he sucks at comforting people. (I later apologized, I was just being mean.) Needless to say, I was exhausted yesterday.

Boss emailed me yesterday to say we should have a meeting this morning at Starbucks to go over my development before she leaves. I figured that would give me another day to cool down and really think about what I needed to say. I also talked to the BF about what to do when I'm upset. I know he would hate it if I started giving him tons of advice when he's venting instead of listening and nodding in agreeance. So I explained that all he has to do is listen and put his arm around me, and not turn over when I'm still laying in the fetal position crying. Hopefully he actually learned the lesson this time.

I had my meeting with boss today. I really am happy for her promotion, I know she didn't want to stay in our tiny office as much as I don't want to, and now that she won't be my boss we can be friends without the boss/employee thing getting in the way. I had a good review, and I expressed that I'm really looking to move up. She agreed with me that I'm ready, she said HR knows I'm doing a good job, and she agreed that I should start applying when something opens up. She also said she would let my new boss know that I'm ready to move up and that I will be applying for positions that open up. I'm just scared that they won't want to move me up because they won't want an entire office of all new people. I really hope that doesn't happen, because like I said, I'm not gonna stick around in this office for six months. All in all, I feel a lot better after talking to boss, and one of the people they are interviewing is someone I really like, so I hope she gets it. We'll see.

Hopefully the last six months of 2008 will go a little smoother.

Kill Me Now

I'm drunk. I just got back from an engagement party for my friend Jax. I come home to see that Turtle has written this on my wall:

"Well Congratulations to you..and thanks, I'm pretty stoked about getting married..I'm glad things are going well for you..take care [Coconut]"

Shoot me.

Questioning

I had a very relaxing weekend. The Bf had to stay out of town Friday night to do some testing or something, so he didn't actually make it home until Saturday afternoon. I was pretty bummed that I didn't get to see him Friday night, but I got a lot of sleep and worked out Saturday morning. The Jackie Warner workout tape kicked my butt! She is a tough lady.

Saturday we had to go get the BF's dog from his aunt's house. It was nice to get out of the city and relax at an actual house with a yard. On Sunday we went out to breakfast and then the BF's grandparents came over, so we got to see them for a bit before heading back.

Our relationship has been great lately. We're having tons of fun together, it seems like I'm laughing all the time again. Sex life is great. Overall we're really good together.

So why do I still doubt his feelings for me? Do I really just need to hear him say "I love you" that badly? True, my family and friends say it a lot, so I'm used to hearing it from the people I care about. But, is it necessary for someone to say it? Why do I feel the need to hear it so badly? And, if he does say it, will I feel better? I'm not sure.

I'm confused, unsure, insecure. I hate that. What is there to be insecure about? Maybe it's the fact that he's gone so much. I guess there's always that element that he could be doing just about anything and I wouldn't know, but then again why would he be the way he is with me? We talk just about every night when he's gone, I have nothing to worry about. So why do I worry? He has given me no reason not to trust him.

Maybe it's the fact that I bare my soul and he still has a wall. He's not the type that tears his walls down easily. I admire the fact that he has the ability to guard his heart, but it frustrates me to no end at the same time.

Maybe it's the fact that I was cheated on by someone who I not only trusted with my heart, but he was also a very close friend. We were together for 2 1/2 years, friends for 2 years before that. But I got depressed and he couldn't handle it, so he started seeing someone else to get the emotional support I couldn't give him at the time. At my lowest point he ran to another woman. Maybe I feel like I'm just waiting for the day the BF runs to someone else. Why don't I think I'm good enough? Why don't I think I'm worth this? What makes me feel that if someone better came along, he'd be gone? What kind of psychological mess am I in that gives me the urge to push him away, when what I really want is all of him? Am I going to end up sabotaging this? I need to make myself believe that it wasn't my fault the other one ran to another woman. I didn't make myself depressed, I couldn't help what I was going through. But it drove him away and for some reason I don't blame him. And I don't want that to happen with this one.

Everything is so good, I wish I could let my mind relax and let myself be happy. Is it normal to love someone so much you're physically scared of it all going wrong? Shouldn't I be able to just relax and enjoy it? Why am I waiting for the day my heart gets broken?

Updates and a Gross Story!

Ok, people, just calm down! Every one's saying they feel neglected and their wanting updates! I've been busy, but don't worry - I've missed you, too!

While the BF and I didn't "officially" start the 101 days challenge, we got to have sex twice over the weekend, before he left town again. So, there you go, I guess we're above average. The average married couple has sex 1.2 times per week. I will compromise and say as long as we stay above average, I'm ok with that. We're not married, we should be doing it like bunnies!

Ever since the BF and I had the long talk where we almost broke up, it seems like things really have turned around, at least temporarily. We had a rough three months there, I'm glad that's over. There is one thing that keeps bothering him, though. He always asks me what my family thinks of him, and my family really likes him, my dad actually told my oldest brother he's the best boyfriend I've ever had (ok, I know you're thinking that from what you've read, my other boyfriends must've been pretty big douche bags, but trust me the BF is a great guy and he doesn't act differently in front of my parents, they can tell he's not being fake). Anyway, my mom actually told me though she really likes him, she doesn't think he seems very family-oriented and that's not the type of person she sees me ending up with. I'm always honest with the BF, so when he asked, I told him what she had said. It's not that she thinks he's a bad guy or anything, she just doesn't see him as the end result. Well, this comment has been bothering him, so I guess he's been trying harder because of it. I didn't tell him to get him to act differently or anything, but it's nice to know that he took it to heart and is trying to be the kind of guy I should be with. He honestly is trying pretty hard to make me happy.

I bought some sexy lingerie Friday to make Friday night a little special. The BF had been away for training and I hadn't seen him in over a week. We had a nice night and ended up going to a few bars in our neighborhood. I actually got pretty vasted, it was fun.

Saturday we went shopping and I introduced the BF to the first season of Dexter. I love that show! My parents were coming into town for Father's Day that evening, so the BF had the idea of getting my dad a six-pack of his favorite beer for when they got in. See?? Trying to be more family-oriented! That's probably the best thing anyone could do for my dad!

Sunday we went to a baseball game and out to eat with my parents.

Monday night we watched some more Dexter and when we went to bed we were both tired, but we wanted to have sex, so we had some pretty lazy, yet satisfying, sex before bed. Can't complain! He had to leave again Tuesday, so it was nice. He gets back Friday, and he'll be here all week next week! That hasn't happened in like, two months. And we're going out of town for the 4th, I'm so excited! I just spent $120 on Victoria's Secret swimsuits cause I wanna look HOTT. I'm also working out and not eating, so that helps!

Yesterday Assistant and I had to go to the Verizon store. The one my neighbor works at (ugh...). It was a little awkward, but I think he was trying to hit on Assistant and just came off as a creepy weirdo. He's a nice guy, I shouldn't be so mean.

-------------------------------------------------------

Wanna hear a gross/ funny story?

So, last year, my senior year of college, I was seeing a guy off and on and I decided to end it. I was actually pretty upset about it. I didn't want things to end, but my heart was getting too into it, so it was the right thing. My girlfriend decided we needed to go out and get me plastered, so she wrote my phone number on my hand and bought me lots of shots.

I ended up seeing a guy at the bar that I went to high school with. We'll call him Turtle (he's a little slow, but very cute!) He was two years older than me and we never hung out in high school, or college, but I was drunk and we said "Hi" and I bought him a drink. He ended up going to the next bar with us, and then home with me.

Ok, since I broke things off with the other guy, I wasn't seeing anyone else, so I was very -Ahem- ungroomed. For like a month. Legs, armpits, bikini. The whole nine yards. I mean it wasn't a jungle since I have pretty light hair, but it wasn't not up to standard.

So, we're making out in my bed and I'm already thinking he probably thinks this is disgusting. I wasn't gonna sleep with him, but it was still pretty bad. Oh well, I was drunk, I didn't care. All of a sudden, I'm gonna get sick. I tell him this, push him off of me, and start puking in the trash can next to my bed. I'm sitting up with the trashcan on my lap when Turtle reaches over and says, "Give me that!" HE starts throwing up! Then, I had to throw up again, but he was hogging the trashcan, so I grabbed a bunch of tissues and threw up in my hands! It was the most disgusting thing EVER! The next morning we woke up and cracked up about how disgusting the night before had been. It was pretty funny, and I'm glad we were laughing and not embarrassed. He called a few times to hang out after that, but it never really worked out.

Today, he asked me to be his friend on Facebook, which made me remember the whole story. He also got engaged recently. That whole incident happened about 14 months ago, so I hope he wasn't dating his now fiancee at the time. I'm sure she wouldn't appreciate that story.

Two Important Things

As I was getting ready for work this morning with the Today Show on in the background, I heard something very interesting. Well, the first thing was that Hybrid cars get better gas mileage in the city, which I told the Bf and he didn't believe me, which proved I was right! But what really intrigued me was the story of a married couple who decided to spice up their sex life by having sex every day, for 101 consecutive days. To read about them, go here. To read an excerpt from the book they wrote about it, go here.

I would LOVE to try this experiment! If only it were possible for the BF to be home for 101 consecutive days... Anyway, the idea is that they are married with two kids and not a lot of time for sex, so they made a promise to have sex every night for 101 days, no matter what. I think that's the key. Have to get up at 5am? Do it anyway! Didn't go to bed until 1am? Do it anyway! Personally, I don't mind being exhausted for a day if the reason is that I stayed up late or got up early to have sex. I'm always tired, so what's an hour less of sleep if it's for something so great?

So, I would like everyone who thinks they can do it to try this experiment and report back. Maybe I'll tell the BF the next 101 times I see him we have to have sex. I'll let you know how that works out. In the meantime, go to those links and read the articles.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

I don't know if I've mentioned it, but I work in the fashion industry. Today Assistant and I were talking to Boss about one of our vendors. I've always suspected this vendor runs a sweatshop because their stuff is way too cheap for what it is - covered in beads and sequins and crap - and the vendor, who owns the company, makes a shitload of money. Anyway, Boss was telling us how the vendor owns two Chanel watches - one in black, one in white - that cost $12,000, and how she makes so much money because she owns her factory in Asia, and she's so young for owning her own business. Assistant asked, "What do you think the factories are like?" Boss told us she thinks they're probably scary and bad working conditions and that's how they make their money.

I was sickened at the way that knowledge didn't seem to bother her. I'm sickened at the fact that this vendor buys useless crap such as a $12,000 watch at the expense of the people she exploits in a factory overseas. I'm sickened at the fact that we sell it in our stores, and that's where my paycheck comes from. If it really is a sweatshop, why aren't there more checks for that sort of thing? Bigger labels like Calvin Klein and Liz Claiborne are checked for that stuff all the time. If the media found something like that, it could ruin that company and look bad for the stores who carry them. I don't understand why the stores aren't more responsible for making sure the vendors they do business with aren't more socially responsible.

I try to be as socially responsible as one person can. I don't buy Coke products because of this. i don't shop at Wal-Mart because of things like this. And I really think that most consumers are turned off by unethical business practices in the brands they buy, so that if consumers have that knowledge, they won't buy those products.

But, what can I do? I feel helpless. I honestly think that fashion and social responsibility can, and should, go together. I just hate that fact about this industry - everyone is money hungry. It's not about the art or the designer, it's about exploiting people to make your cheap crap and sell it at a 200% markup. (Ok, we work on like a 56% markup, but still...)

Well, this is just more motivation for me to keep working on my own line so that I can eventually open a boutique and carry other like-minded designers.

And I got hit on three times in one minute while walking my dog last night. What's up with that?

L.O.V.E?

I got off work at 3:00 today! Yay! My company has summer scheduling which allows you to leave at 3:00 as long as someone in your office stays until 5:15, and today was my day. I did a little shopping, took Bellies for a long walk, and heated up some leftover Chinese food.

As I was sitting in my apartment, eating my leftovers, I started to think about a topic I think of often: Love. The BF and I have been talking about this lately. He says he doesn't know if he's on love, if he loves me. He doesn't know if he doesn't love me, either. He just doesn't know.

I say that if you don't have a personal definition of love, how will you know when you're in love with someone? So, I turned to some of my favorite psychologists to find out their definitions of love.

Freud 

Freud's definition of love has four parts. It is 1) a fusion of sexuality and tenderness, 2) libidinal energy, aimed at culture building with a love object, 3) the life instinct driving all humanity (Eros), and 4) the total life force comprising Eros and an aggressive or death instinct (society must reproduce or die).

Carl Jung

Jung's definition stated that in love, the key to success is the ability to endure the tension of opposites without abandoning the process, even if its results have been insignificant. It is this stress that allows one to grow and form.

Maslow

From Maslow's perspective, love is a subjective, internal feeling state, based on a pattern of intimacy over time. Intimacy is the primary determinant of love. Therefore, the people you love should know you the best. Being love occurs when a person loves you for your true self, not because you do things for them or because you arouse them. This can only be achieved through intimacy. There are five bridges of intimacy and when all bridges are present in a relationship it should have maximum intimacy, high value, and high involvement. The five bridges are genetic intimacy (shared genes, or production of a child), emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, psychological intimacy, and spiritual intimacy. Romantic and family relationships can be expected to play a prominent role in gratifying our love needs. (Robert E. Smith, Consumer Psychology)

I would agree mostly with Maslow, but I elaborate on the basic definition a bit more. I believe love is a choice. When you start to "fall in love" with a person, there is a lot of those giddy feelings and emotions. But those emotions reach a peak and then trail off, and if you love someone you must choose to love them, even when you don't feel like it. You take all the bad as well as the good and you are still there. It's easy to love someone when they're being great and sweet and romantic, so in those times it may not be a conscious choice. But, when someone is in a slump and a bad mood and being a bitch, you may have to make the conscious decision to love them. If love is just a feeling, like so many believe, what happens when that feeling is gone? Or when the other person isn't being very lovable? You can't just leave and abandon them, unless they are violating species values (physically harming others, stealing, etc.). And even then, leaving the relationship due to a violation of one of these values doesn't mean you don't love and support the other person, you just no longer put yourself in an intimate relationship with them. 

The theory of human needs for love explains why my relationship with the BF doesn't work. We have all of these other elements, we're attracted to each other, we challenge each other, we both have passion for personal growth, we have at least physical and psychological intimacy. But, although I try very hard to meet his love needs, he does not meet mine. 

So, what is your definition of love?

Oh This Is Ladies Night

I was reading some of my previous blog posts and realized I'm a terrible writer on this thing! In actuality, I'm a pretty good writer, but here I just write whatever I'm thinking or feeling or whatever's happened recently and I don't go back to edit or spellcheck and I don't try to use vivid imagery to describe my experiences. What you get is pure regurgitation. Sometimes I will write purposely funny stories to make you all laugh, but for the most part writing keeps me sane so I basically put it all out there in the least effort possible. Works for me!

Last night I went out with the girls - CK, Steph, Jen, and Bunny - for dinner and to see Sex and the City. We had a few drinks so we could get giggly before the movie, and the manager comped our appetizers. What's better than that? The movie was OK. I didn't think it was as funny and full of one-liners like the show. It did tie up the loose ends, but I really wanted it to be funnier and more outrageous. If you're a fan of the show, I would probably just wait for it to come out on DVD. I think I would've liked it better that way. But, since there is nothing on television in the summer, I think I'm going to start watching the series from the beginning again on DVD.

CK and her boyfriend broke up on Monday. Big shocker, right? I guess he was testing her by not calling her and she really didn't care whether he called her or not so she failed the test. Then him and his roommates had some lame graduation party for someone else on Saturday night and none of us, including CK, went. The last party of theirs I went to I tried to talk to CK's boyfriend's (now ex-boyfriend's) roommate because we went to the same university and he was a total douche. I honestly felt like I was at a frat party, and I didn't even enjoy frat parties in college. Lame. I liked CK's boyfriend, but the whole relationship was totally forced. It was just easy and convenient for her and she never really liked him, so Monday night they had a talk and called it off.

The only person who was at the party Saturday night was Jen, and she ended up hooking up with the douche bag roommate. Oh well, good for her. They dated in college and then when they broke up he dated another girl in her sorority and now he's single again so she jumped on it.

A night of cocktails, sex talk, and SATC was just what I needed!

Maybe More Like a 20K Raise For Now

Alright, Blackdog. Sorry for the blog slacking lately, I'm in one of those slumps where everything and nothing are worth blogging about.

My 15 hours of driving last weekend gave me lots of time to think about my relationship with the BF and why it's not right and what's not right about it. I started thinking about my married friends and their relationships with their husbands. Their husbands are so excited to be with them and to be married to them and you can just tell they feel lucky to have those girls in their lives, and my friends feel the same way about their husbands. It made me think about the BF and how even when he's home he doesn't act like that. Instead I get to watch him fall asleep on the couch or turn on Sports Center while I'm giving him a handjob. He's just not excited about me and our relationship. He's scared, and I don't want to be with someone who's scared to be with me rather than excited about the possibilities of the future. I shouldn't have to force him to get excited to see me and to spend time with me. i should be with someone who can't wait to see me, and even if they have to go away for a few days, when they come back it will be worth the wait.

He came home Friday night from his third week in a row of being away on business, and I wasn't even excited to see him. I knew it was going to be nothing special, same ol' same ol'. But, I was pleasantly surprised when he gave me some bath stuff he thought I might need from all the stress over my aunt and not being home for the funeral. It was really sweet and thoughtful, and i really did need something like that. And then he came up with a plan for us to hang out all weekend. It was really nice to see him putting in so much effort and thought for once! Saturday morning it was gorgeous outside so we decided to take the dogs to the park for a walk and then things took a turn for the worse.

I went back to my place to change and when I came back up he was angry about some stupid email from a guy he works with. Of course Saturday morning is time to be checking work email and he just had to respond to it, which took another twenty minutes of me sitting on the couch waiting to go while Bellies impatiently whined. I finally said, "Can we GO?" which was probably not called for, but I'm really sick of him dealing with stupid work shit that he can't do anything about on the weekends! Anyway, he fires back with, "If you're gonna get mad at me about stuff like this, we probably shouldn't be dating." I replied with, "Yeah, we probably shouldn't." We continued to get in a discussion about what I need that he can't/won't give, and him feeling pressured. Somehow we made it out the door and to the park which ended the conversation for the time being.

We let the dogs off their leashes at the park, and I have this idiot asshole neighbor with a dog that Bellies hates with a passion. I don't know why she hates it so much, it likes to jump around and has gotten in her face before which she doesn't like, and she's super protective of me, BF, and BF's dog, so maybe that's why. I had to put her back on her leash while Idiot Asshole Neighbor talked to the BF about going to some beach. Dude! Can't you see that my dog is freaking out over here? Get the fuck away! I mean if this were your kid would you let them do that? I can't stand people who are totally inconsiderate with their pets. He finally walks away and when I thought Bellies had turned her attention away from idiot asshole neighbor and his dog, I let her off her leash once again. Big mistake. She goes tearing off across the park to growl and bark at idiot asshole neighbor's dog. Mind you, Bellies is a 15lb Westie, Idiot Asshole Neighbor's dog is a 30lb white mutt of some sort. Anyway, I'm running after Bellies and Idiot Asshole Neighbor picks up his dog and starts yelling at my dog. I run up, grab Bellies, and say, "I'm sorry! There's nothing to worry about, she's never bitten or anything, she's just really protective and loud." He responds, "Yeah, uh huh." and walks off. Then, he starts telling the story to some random couple with a dog three feet away. I'm livid, so I just sand there and stare him down saying, "If you want to talk to me, come over here and talk to me!" I mean, I apologized, I explained, I spanked Bellies, what else does he want? BF comes over and pulls me away, but I say, "And I'm over you, too! I don't need you trying to do whatever!" (It sounded like a reasonable thing to say at the time.)

We continued to walk the dogs and got back into the relationship discussion. He's just totally indifferent, I honestly think he could care less whether he's with me or not. Which is a perfect example of what I mean by not excited to be with me. He actually said he doesn't know if he would be more sad if we broke up, or more relieved. And I don't expect him to just wake up one day and miraculously decide he loves me and cares about our relationship. When you love someone, you don't have to try to be excited. When you care about the relationship you're in, you don't have to try to show your feelings for the other person, it just comes out. I feel like for half of our relationship I've been wanting more feelings and caring from him, and he's been feeling pressure. It's never going to match up, we're never going to be in the same place at the same time, and I can't take the strain and stress much longer. We were having the "breakup discussion." Like at the end of the conversation you will be single. But somehow he convinced me that he wanted to spend the weekend with me and he didn't want us to break up. And I know I'm not totally ready to give up the relationship quite yet and I would miss him and be really sad if we broke up. There may come a time where it will hurt more to stay in the relationship than to leave it, but I'm not there yet, so I agreed to spend the weekend with him.

I went back to my place to change and on my way to go up to BF's apartment, I run into my favorite person, Idiot Asshole Neighbor. I say, "Hi," Idiot Asshole Neighbor says, "Uhhhh, mmmmm...." Nice, guy. You better hope you never have an emergency where you have to knock on my door, that's all I can say. (Whatever, I'm way too nice to not help someone in an emergency, but from now on all he's getting from me are death glares.) I was still upset (obviously) and didn't know how to feel about the whole relationship situation, but then he started making out with me and we moved it to the bedroom and he's so good at that....Well, it was some pretty fantastic makeup sex, and that's more passion than this relationship has seen in a few months.

We went to go look at a boarding facility that he might use for his dog if I'm unavailable one weekend, ate lunch, went shopping, came back, took showers and went to a street festival. The festival was kinda lame so we walked back towards our place and stopped at a bar along the way. Apparently someone got shot at the festival after we left, it was pretty hood. We ended up getting pretty hammered and had a really good time. I was feeling frisky when we went to bed so we actually had sex again before we went to sleep! I'm starting to feel like my 50K raise should be on it's way!

Sunday we went out for breakfast and went shopping at Anthropologie, where I got a pretty pretty princess summer dress. The rest of the afternoon we took a nap, watched a movie, and got ice cream. Despite Saturday morning, it turned out to be the best weekend we've had in a long time. AND he initiated sex with me again last night! I'm feeling like one lucky lady. I have the feeling this might be temporary due to the fact I was two seconds from breaking up with him, but maybe things really are going to be better. Maybe he just needed a wake up call. Who knows. I love him, but I can't continue to be unhappy for the sake of love. I'm not expecting some big turn around, but I guess it's possible that this weekend was a step towards that. I know it doesn't mean he has any deeper feelings or commitment towards me, and that's what I really want, but all the extras are nice for now.