Maybe More Like a 20K Raise For Now

Alright, Blackdog. Sorry for the blog slacking lately, I'm in one of those slumps where everything and nothing are worth blogging about.

My 15 hours of driving last weekend gave me lots of time to think about my relationship with the BF and why it's not right and what's not right about it. I started thinking about my married friends and their relationships with their husbands. Their husbands are so excited to be with them and to be married to them and you can just tell they feel lucky to have those girls in their lives, and my friends feel the same way about their husbands. It made me think about the BF and how even when he's home he doesn't act like that. Instead I get to watch him fall asleep on the couch or turn on Sports Center while I'm giving him a handjob. He's just not excited about me and our relationship. He's scared, and I don't want to be with someone who's scared to be with me rather than excited about the possibilities of the future. I shouldn't have to force him to get excited to see me and to spend time with me. i should be with someone who can't wait to see me, and even if they have to go away for a few days, when they come back it will be worth the wait.

He came home Friday night from his third week in a row of being away on business, and I wasn't even excited to see him. I knew it was going to be nothing special, same ol' same ol'. But, I was pleasantly surprised when he gave me some bath stuff he thought I might need from all the stress over my aunt and not being home for the funeral. It was really sweet and thoughtful, and i really did need something like that. And then he came up with a plan for us to hang out all weekend. It was really nice to see him putting in so much effort and thought for once! Saturday morning it was gorgeous outside so we decided to take the dogs to the park for a walk and then things took a turn for the worse.

I went back to my place to change and when I came back up he was angry about some stupid email from a guy he works with. Of course Saturday morning is time to be checking work email and he just had to respond to it, which took another twenty minutes of me sitting on the couch waiting to go while Bellies impatiently whined. I finally said, "Can we GO?" which was probably not called for, but I'm really sick of him dealing with stupid work shit that he can't do anything about on the weekends! Anyway, he fires back with, "If you're gonna get mad at me about stuff like this, we probably shouldn't be dating." I replied with, "Yeah, we probably shouldn't." We continued to get in a discussion about what I need that he can't/won't give, and him feeling pressured. Somehow we made it out the door and to the park which ended the conversation for the time being.

We let the dogs off their leashes at the park, and I have this idiot asshole neighbor with a dog that Bellies hates with a passion. I don't know why she hates it so much, it likes to jump around and has gotten in her face before which she doesn't like, and she's super protective of me, BF, and BF's dog, so maybe that's why. I had to put her back on her leash while Idiot Asshole Neighbor talked to the BF about going to some beach. Dude! Can't you see that my dog is freaking out over here? Get the fuck away! I mean if this were your kid would you let them do that? I can't stand people who are totally inconsiderate with their pets. He finally walks away and when I thought Bellies had turned her attention away from idiot asshole neighbor and his dog, I let her off her leash once again. Big mistake. She goes tearing off across the park to growl and bark at idiot asshole neighbor's dog. Mind you, Bellies is a 15lb Westie, Idiot Asshole Neighbor's dog is a 30lb white mutt of some sort. Anyway, I'm running after Bellies and Idiot Asshole Neighbor picks up his dog and starts yelling at my dog. I run up, grab Bellies, and say, "I'm sorry! There's nothing to worry about, she's never bitten or anything, she's just really protective and loud." He responds, "Yeah, uh huh." and walks off. Then, he starts telling the story to some random couple with a dog three feet away. I'm livid, so I just sand there and stare him down saying, "If you want to talk to me, come over here and talk to me!" I mean, I apologized, I explained, I spanked Bellies, what else does he want? BF comes over and pulls me away, but I say, "And I'm over you, too! I don't need you trying to do whatever!" (It sounded like a reasonable thing to say at the time.)

We continued to walk the dogs and got back into the relationship discussion. He's just totally indifferent, I honestly think he could care less whether he's with me or not. Which is a perfect example of what I mean by not excited to be with me. He actually said he doesn't know if he would be more sad if we broke up, or more relieved. And I don't expect him to just wake up one day and miraculously decide he loves me and cares about our relationship. When you love someone, you don't have to try to be excited. When you care about the relationship you're in, you don't have to try to show your feelings for the other person, it just comes out. I feel like for half of our relationship I've been wanting more feelings and caring from him, and he's been feeling pressure. It's never going to match up, we're never going to be in the same place at the same time, and I can't take the strain and stress much longer. We were having the "breakup discussion." Like at the end of the conversation you will be single. But somehow he convinced me that he wanted to spend the weekend with me and he didn't want us to break up. And I know I'm not totally ready to give up the relationship quite yet and I would miss him and be really sad if we broke up. There may come a time where it will hurt more to stay in the relationship than to leave it, but I'm not there yet, so I agreed to spend the weekend with him.

I went back to my place to change and on my way to go up to BF's apartment, I run into my favorite person, Idiot Asshole Neighbor. I say, "Hi," Idiot Asshole Neighbor says, "Uhhhh, mmmmm...." Nice, guy. You better hope you never have an emergency where you have to knock on my door, that's all I can say. (Whatever, I'm way too nice to not help someone in an emergency, but from now on all he's getting from me are death glares.) I was still upset (obviously) and didn't know how to feel about the whole relationship situation, but then he started making out with me and we moved it to the bedroom and he's so good at that....Well, it was some pretty fantastic makeup sex, and that's more passion than this relationship has seen in a few months.

We went to go look at a boarding facility that he might use for his dog if I'm unavailable one weekend, ate lunch, went shopping, came back, took showers and went to a street festival. The festival was kinda lame so we walked back towards our place and stopped at a bar along the way. Apparently someone got shot at the festival after we left, it was pretty hood. We ended up getting pretty hammered and had a really good time. I was feeling frisky when we went to bed so we actually had sex again before we went to sleep! I'm starting to feel like my 50K raise should be on it's way!

Sunday we went out for breakfast and went shopping at Anthropologie, where I got a pretty pretty princess summer dress. The rest of the afternoon we took a nap, watched a movie, and got ice cream. Despite Saturday morning, it turned out to be the best weekend we've had in a long time. AND he initiated sex with me again last night! I'm feeling like one lucky lady. I have the feeling this might be temporary due to the fact I was two seconds from breaking up with him, but maybe things really are going to be better. Maybe he just needed a wake up call. Who knows. I love him, but I can't continue to be unhappy for the sake of love. I'm not expecting some big turn around, but I guess it's possible that this weekend was a step towards that. I know it doesn't mean he has any deeper feelings or commitment towards me, and that's what I really want, but all the extras are nice for now.