Hi, I'm A Doormat

I've been crazy busy lately. Work, BF, dogs. It's good, but I haven't had time to post at all, though I've been keeping up with everyone else and my stalking. Work has been insane. Assistant is still pretty hard to handle. She doesn't talk, she doesn't eat, I have to ask her to do something a few times before it gets done, and she's biting everyone's heads off. And she's still staying at her ex-boyfriend's. I'm not gonna judge, you gotta do what you gotta do, but you have to take care of yourself. And you can't let it affect your relationships at work.

My weekend with Victoria was AMAZING. She's such a blast. I miss her so much, it was a tease to see her and I want her to come back. Bellies thought she was moving in for good, wishful thinking for us both. And she got to meet the BF, maybe she'll leave us a comment on her impressions. The funniest part of the weekend was telling some guy at a bar our names are Sharon and Karen. Every time he said our names we were busting up laughing and he still didn't notice. He wanted us to toss him a globe so he could hit it with a baseball bat. Random. Maybe it's not that funny, but when you're drunk, trust me, it is.

Spent a little QT with the BF Sunday and Monday. He left again Tuesday, so it's just me and the dogs. Sometimes I feel like they're our kids and Daddy leaves on business, leaving Mommy with the kids. I feel like a single mom. (Ok, I know I'm not even close to what a single mom has to deal with...) Or even better, like the BF and I both are single parents and I always take care of both of our kids. Is there anyone else on the planet who would do that without more commitment? I'm such a fucking doormat, but I can't help it. I like taking care of people and being that person you can always rely on, so I will most likely continue to get stepped on. Not that he steps on me, he's appreciative. I just set myself up to get walked on. I love too hard, trust too easily, and do too much for everyone else. I think that's a problem for a lot of women.

It sucks to have a boyfriend that you don't get to see much of. It's like I don't get the benefits of being single, or the benefits of being in a relationship. I miss him so much when he's gone. And things have been really good lately. He's been sweet and attentive for the most part, and when he's home he makes a big effort to spend time with me. Sex is really good, not as often as I like, but there probably isn't enough time in the day. Ok, that makes me sound like a sex addict, that's not what I mean. I just mean that sometimes I would like to have sex before bed and then again in the morning. I think that's nice every once in a while. But I digress...

He asked me what would make our relationship ideal. I said more time and more commitment. As far as time goes, it's not his fault that he has to travel so much and army and school, so it could be a while before resolve the issue of time. And actually with him making the effort he's been making lately, it's better. I miss him like crazy when he's gone, even if it's for a few days, but obviously I'm not gonna cry into my pillow like a little girl at night. Commitment is the second issue. He is committed, not seeing anyone else, being monogamous, etc. But we are coming up on a year pretty soon. I guess I would just feel better with a little assurance. I told him this and he asked if that was one of the reasons I wanted to move in together, like signing a lease together would give me that assurance. Yes, that may be one reason, but it's not a big one, or a main one. Basically, I still feel like us living together would not change the way we do things now, it would just be a higher level of commitment. We've been together long enough, I would like to know where this train is headed. What's in the near future? Is he ever gonna say "I love you?" Moving in? Getting engaged? Run away to Vegas? Or hey it's been fun but I don't wanna make that kind of decision right now so see ya later? I just don't want to keep doing the same thing we've been doing for a year. I also don't want to do the girl thing and bring up this conversation, because I always have to bring this stuff up and I don't like being such a girl. For the most part I'm pretty rational and I don't need these conversations, but at some point it does have to happen.

I have to go to my home town for a wedding I'm in this weekend. It's my best girlfriend from home. I'm going to need to stuff my bra with tissues because I'm guaranteed to cry at this one. It will definitely be a lot of fun, but it's also my three day weekend and I feel like I'm wasting it on being a bridesmaid and driving eight hours there and back. And the BF can't come, nor do I think he'd want to since I'll be on bridesmaid duty all weekend and I couldn't really hang out with him. I spent last Labor Day at her sister's wedding, so this is now two three day weekends this family owes me!